Saturday, December 31, 2011


i wonder if anyone still bothers reading this dead blog..i did say that i would try to blog more often but this is not gonna be an entertaining post i suppose. more like a zombified rant. i feel like im in some sort of eerie unsettling calm before the storm. i feel so unmotivated. i just keep distracting myself with stupid iphone games but when it's late at night and da games dont suffice da thoughts just keep surfacing. despite all da plans i made..was planning to record my ep..about 3 songs i guess..gonna do an album photoshoot..gonna hire someone to do my album art. i converted my account into a page to promote myself. i even did all da music arrangements for my songs! had all these plans laid out but you know what's missing? my voice..i damaged my vocals chords..probably because of da halloween event and made it worse because of AFA. i keep hoping it will get better in time..but i tried singing after resting for more than a month. and i can sing easy songs..but high reinforced falsetto..gone. da tone i worked so hard to achieve..gone. and i seriously dont know if my voice will ever go back to normal. it's a lot raspier than it was before. and my falsetto's supposed to be da best part of my voice. how nice can a raspy falsetto be. so what of my dreams now? i am made for this. i feel such a strong calling towards this and i am so passionate about it. but if i cant sing what am i supposed to do then. what the fuck in da world am i supposed to do then. what is da reason for my existence. my tenacity is like a freaking cockroach. disgusting and psychotic. perhaps this is god's way of telling me that this is not it? after being kicked down beyond my limit? or is this some sort of tragic comedy and life's just screwing with me? this happened once before. in jc. then i was still into music..just not piano and vocals..but trumpet. i practiced till my lips gums cut by da pressure. every freaking day. my lips literally looked like sausages. then one day i couldnt breathe properly and when i went to check it out..i found out that it was because i had torn my lung lining. it was then that i really had to give it up. is there something wrong with me? i mean must something really terrible happen to me before i get it? so once again i am here wondering...what da fuck am i supposed to do then. 

i feel like im surrounded by people who dont even think deeply. feels like all they think about are games homework..girls do people nowadays just have no depth? or have they been blinded by they way society thinks? or is everyone using all these as a distraction cos they dont wanna ponder so much about such stuff? does anyone ever wonder why..what's da reason for existing? is there a purpose for living beyond just getting good grades good job good spouse good family? told you it was gonna be a zombified rant. 

just take me beyond reality where da spirits fly and never die.