thunderstorm

i wonder if anyone still bothers reading this dead blog..i did say that i would try to blog more often but this is not gonna be an entertaining post i suppose. more like a zombified rant. i feel like im in some sort of eerie unsettling calm before the storm. i feel so unmotivated. i just keep distracting myself with stupid iphone games but when it's late at night and da games dont suffice da thoughts just keep surfacing. despite all da plans i made..was planning to record my ep..about 3 songs i guess..gonna do an album photoshoot..gonna hire someone to do my album art. i converted my account into a page to promote myself. i even did all da music arrangements for my songs! had all these plans laid out but you know what's missing? my voice..i damaged my vocals chords..probably because of da halloween event and made it worse because of AFA. i keep hoping it will get better in time..but i tried singing after resting for more than a month. and i can sing easy songs..but high songs..gone...my reinforced falsetto..gone. da tone i worked so hard to achieve..gone. and i seriously dont know if my voice will ever go back to normal. it's a lot raspier than it was before. and my falsetto's supposed to be da best part of my voice. how nice can a raspy falsetto be. so what of my dreams now? i am made for this. i feel such a strong calling towards this and i am so passionate about it. but if i cant sing what am i supposed to do then. what the fuck in da world am i supposed to do then. what is da reason for my existence. my tenacity is like a freaking cockroach. disgusting and psychotic. perhaps this is god's way of telling me that this is not it? after being kicked down beyond my limit? or is this some sort of tragic comedy and life's just screwing with me? this happened once before. in jc. then i was still into music..just not piano and vocals..but trumpet. i practiced till my lips bled..my gums cut by da pressure. every freaking day. my lips literally looked like sausages. then one day i couldnt breathe properly and when i went to check it out..i found out that it was because i had torn my lung lining. it was then that i really had to give it up. is there something wrong with me? i mean must something really terrible happen to me before i get it? so once again i am here wondering...what da fuck am i supposed to do then. 


i feel like im surrounded by people who dont even think deeply. feels like all they think about are games homework..girls guys..makeup..kpop. do people nowadays just have no depth? or have they been blinded by they way society thinks? or is everyone using all these as a distraction cos they dont wanna ponder so much about such stuff? does anyone ever wonder why..what's da reason for existing? is there a purpose for living beyond just getting good grades good job good spouse good family? told you it was gonna be a zombified rant. 


just take me beyond reality where da spirits fly and never die.

頭が痛い

i feel so left behind. everyone's moving forward towards their dreams and im still stuck here. im tired of  waiting for this neverending drought to end.

Crash and Burn

I wanna write bone chilling..drug intoxicating..music that touches you down to the deepest corner of your soul. never seems to be enough..sick of feeling inadequate. da irony of being happy..it makes me soo complacent. and i dont think i should allow myself this tiny bit of pleasure before achieving what i want so badly. i guess i just kinda let da desperation slip. i start to question da importance of it and other possibilities. but who am i kidding. it has never changed. what i want has never changed. 

仕事はめんどくさいね

can someone please tell me why is it so difficult to find a job? okayy fineee cos im picky. but seriously i've been browsing job ads for ages. da preschool job's not enough. it's only twice a week for a couple of hours each..how am i gonna pay for my piano!? ughhh i just need a flexible job so i can still concentrate on my music...and pay for my lessons. this sucks. event jobs anyone??? 助けて〜〜〜〜

･･･おろおろ((T.T； )(； T.T))おろおろ･･･

ooooohisaaaaaaa

helloooo...im not dead but my blog sure is..lols lots of stuff going on but mostly i guess i dont have inspiration to blog about anything..i had my piano exam..i hope i get distinction lols..i found a job too..im teaching preschoolers..i guess life is pretty mundane for me right now. hopefully by next year i can achieve my grade 8...and start diploma..at da moment i've just been trying to secure a more substantial job so i can have money to pay for my lessons..events are too inconsistent...i hope this preschool thing's enough. im so sick of browsing job ads..plus its so hard to find something with short hours.

other updates...mm...i made my facebook and all private...for reasons i really couldnt be bothered to explain ahahaha oh yaa not forgetting all da ugly pictures i've been tagged in recently. UGH i never bothered much with photoshop before...anne always does it for me but lately i've started to realise its magic LOL ugly pictures begone! and BAM..bad angle? fat cheek? hahaha just liquify and it's gone. anne's awesome...love da pictures she takes of me. pictures taken by other people always need photoshop..hers just need to edit lighting and remove eyebags. she's really good at finding people's angles. maybe i should start promoting her...lols...ayes but nowadays even 15 year old kids are holding DSLR...

this picture was taken by her...only eyebags and lighting edited...im thinking of changing my blog banner to this...i really like this picture....

i wish i could take her to all my canon events...lols....personal photographer....anyway da canon site's gonna be up really soon...and im one of canon's "style council" bloggers....hahaha uhhh..i know my fashion sense is weird LOL...

in light of the recent japan crisis....i just have one thing to say....

頑張ってJAPAN!

why cant life give me strawberries instead of lemons?

i really wish life would just stop kicking me down. seriously hope what awaits at da end would be worth it. im a huge gambler afterall. for this minuscule possibility..i'd fall and get up no matter how many times it takes. losing a little bit of myself every time i fall...dont wanna be left with nothing but an empty shell. i miss my mentally happy self. 


I will break into your thoughts
With what's written on my heart
I will break, break

I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick

If you want more of this
We can push out, sell out, die out
So you'll shut up
And stay sleeping
With my screaming in your itching ears

I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick

Hear it, I'm screaming it
You're heeding to it now

Hear it! I'm screaming it!
You tremble at this sound

You sink into my clothes
And this invasion
Makes me feel
Worthless, hopeless, sick

I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick

I'm so sick
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss, selfishness
I'm so
I'm so sick
I'm so
I'm so sick


im really so fuckin sick of this. when will my existence finally be acknowledged? sick of watching everything go by. 

（つд；*)ﾆｬﾝ…

im feeling terribly emo right now...for some unknown reason...it's not as if i had a bad day...im just feeling really insecure...sometimes i wish i had luffy's naivety..i need one piece therapy right now! sigh..i had a 4 hour theory lesson today...theory overload seriously. i've been playing da piano a lot recently too. in da middle of da night..in da morning..it's been eating into my sleeping time. also since i've been helping out with anne's assignments. maybe im just tired...but im damn pressured right now..feel fucking inadequate. my piano sucks my guitar sucks my singing sucks..i feel fucking ugly..my face like shit. im still nowhere near my dreams. it just keeps drifting further and further away from me. so what if i can play da piano? so what if i can sing? there's always someone better than me..prettier than me out there. endless amounts of competition. at this rate im never gonna be able to achieve anything. how much more time must i waste? i seriously feel sorry for my pathetic self right now. should probably just sleep and bounce back to da confident me again tomorrow. 

something i drew during break just now..have you read one piece chapter 605? wasnt it awesome??? third gear homg third gearr!! and zoro and sanji and everyone! snippets of their powers omigosh....i wanna tame a kraken too! mehhh..im a downer on one piece right now...oh wells ja na~

when choco becomes unko

my totally awesome day ended with a blast. not an 'OoOOo fireworks' kinda blast but an 'explosion in your face' blast. my piano came today...it's hugeee! asides from da super seasoned keys..everything else was great..da sound. da reverb in my entire house. i also got two mics..sm57 and sm58. one to mic up my piano and one for vocals..now all that's left is a mixer. met da girls today..been a while. had a good time..june's stories of her students were hilarious as usual. lols..


June: "Class is Dr. Blah..she'll be observing our class today."
Student: "Doctor, your clinic never open today ah?"


LOL


my mom said some fucked up stuff to me again. i've been recording from midnight till now. and im really bummed about something. im scared. and i dont really know what to do. i need one piece therapy. now!!

luffy's my only nakama..my dream is as big as his. i wonder if i'll achieve my dreams before luffy becomes da pirate king. i feel like im about to fight 3 admirals too. and i dont think i'll win. have to go around..concentrate on saving ace. yea...that'd work. okay im gonna lie on bed...and enter marine hq. see you in a bit luffy!

fuck

sad like fuck. been a while since i last watched such a video..always avoided it since i knew i would be damn affected. but it just reminded me of my ideals again. i think im gonna take it to da next step. no more seafood too. or at least i'll try cutting down. maybe just once a week. this is why i fucking fucking hate da world we live in. 

even if you cant take it..just fucking watch it. you think i can take it? i fucking cried within 10 secs of da video. but people need a wake up call. you think this is something you cant help. beyond your control. nothing to do with you. not your damn problem. dont need think so much. im not da one who kills da animals anyway. secondhand murderers. even if you cant stop eating meat. at least cut down on da branded leather goods would you? fucking brand conscious people. 

sorry this is not directed at anyone. just feel fucking angry and useless right now. what else could i possibly do? at least..if i was bieber..i'd have da voice to influence a million girls. i just have to continue in my current direction and make it as soon as possible.

watch it. all da way. fucking trailer only.

Make the Connection. EARTHLINGS.com

nande?

...Dark hair for catching the wind...Not to veil the sight of a cold world...

once again im wondering why im here now in this world. in this era. in this century. in this country. just really outta place. i just shouldnt have been born at all. dont know if there's anyone out there who hates their own existence as much as i do. already doing so much to make my existence here just a little better. but will it really matter in de end? no...i dont hate myself. i hate da me that's here. no..i dont hate da world. i hate that i cant be here. maybe this is a punishment. got exiled to live life in meaningless existence...so tell me..where should i be? 

karappo

feeling empty all of a sudden...i hate feeling like this. i'd rather feel heartbroken or angry..at least it shows that i still give a damn. it's times like this when i really question my existence. ahh..i really dont wanna be here. dont wanna be da me that exists here.分かる？分かるはずないだろう。ああー、誰かアタシを殺してくれ？多分これはアタシの人生で最もエキサイティングな現象になる。ハハハハハハＴＡＤＵＭ！いつも笑ってるの癖に、簡単に興奮してのに。。最低だ！！！！

AWEESOMEEEEEEE

omg omg OMG OMGGGGG!!!!! i just had da most awesomemest fantabulous magical 24 hours of my life!!!!!!!!! my persistent insomnia was magically cured and i managed to sleep 16 hours! that's not da awesome thing of course lol prior to getting home and sleeping i went for wang yuja's piano recital...hahaha her performance..WAO! beyond words! i only wished i didnt have da flu so i could have heard her music in better clarity. clogged ears clogged nose..eww much. lolol da sounds of her piano...you could almost imagine golden bubbles of music bursting in hall...just like in nodame..serious! hahahaha she takes playing da piano to a whole new world. and i felt like i was in another world too...could imagine da scenes playing out in my head...especially during her sergei prokofiev's piece. WAOWAOWAO. its an eccentric piece..with loads of jarring notes. supposed to be a composition about da turbulence of da ongoing war at that time...but when she played it..da imagery that went on in my head was that she was playing in some abandoned mansion in a haunted forest...thunderstorms raging...creatures lurking at every corner..waiting to pounce. very very very excellently portrayed. her pianissimos and fortissimos extremely dynamic..leaves you full of anticipation. musically perfect..to me at least. technically amazing too.only her chopin was a bit off. it was da first piece she played...kinda messy..but all was well once she started da 2nd movement. all in all...ahhhhh melts. she makes music come alive lolol

hee hee i got her autograph!

music truly is food for da soul. her recital was just da beginning of my magical night. lolol..i had da best dream of my whole entire life last night. okay probably one of da best anyways. da world i was in..was so ethereal..so utterly beautiful. most of my dreams would have some sort of semblance to reality. be it...buildings...or da existence of humans. this one had absolutely nothing! im not even sure what species i was! hahaha anyway...it was a world full of magic..mythical creatures..stunningly flabbergasting geography. we..as in da other creatures and i..were in our classroom..we were elementary school creatures i think lol and our classroom was da belly of a huge dragon. HAHA! amazing or what! it had windows on da side of its belly and it acted as our school bus too! lol my seat was right at da back next to da left window by da way haha. one day we went on a class trip..and it was then that i could clearly see da grandeur of da world i was in. floating islands everywhere...below us a sea of clouds..dragons of all sorts of colours and species flying everywhere. our classroom dragon was a large metallic green one. da western species with wings..not da chinese ones. our dragon took flight...not sure where we were headed though. while in de air...da teach still went on and on about something. didnt bother listening..lolol just kept looking out of da window..enjoying da magnificent view...our dragon would sometimes fly really low and we would get to touch da waters and clouds..at one point we flew across an ocean...yea an ocean on a bed of clouds...there were crystal blue glaciers at coasts of de oceans and da nicest part of it was da multitude of crystal shards that emerged from random parts of de ocean...they popped up in clusters of crystal shards kinda like da picture below...only they were ice blue...and sharper...

suddenly there was turbulence...LOL and da wind pressure became increasingly harsh and it was like whiplash. da windows began to crack under da pressure...it went eerily quiet for a moment..just like da silence before a storm..and da next thing we know da windows were all shattered. a lot of us sustained injuries from that...some maybe more severe than others...my teacher then told us to start chanting and praying to some god? i think it was a protective charm that required da sacrifice of blood..we had to carve da symbols in our palms...chant something and then stab da center of it...i was like whattt? hahaha i ended up not doing it. i suspected that it wasnt purely turbulence that caused our situation anyway. da geography of da sky started to change..we entered foreign territory i think. instead of floating islands (made of earth that is)...da floating islands here were made of clouds...and there was proof of life and nature on da clouds...little houses and sparse vegetation and some trees growing...kinda strange compared to da flourished islands where we were from....da strangest thing was that they were all floating above a larger island of cloud that had rocky mountains...lakes and waterfalls.....da entire atmosphere was gloomy cos of da numerous amount of rocky structures...it was beautiful nonetheless. just when we thought da worst was over...our dragon started to plummet. i think it was shot down..not but some missile or gun but by an attack spell. some protective charm. lol. we landed in a lake instead of hitting da rocky structures thankfully. but our luck was short-lived. while some of us manage to swim to da surface..some were still stuck in our dragon. and before we knew it our dragon was frozen and we were surrounded a magical army of weird creatures. they started to freeze da area that we were in..a few of us were frantically swimming away..but it was hard. we were scared..surrounded by weird creatures in armor and rocky mountains...our dragon frozen..no means of escape seemed possible. just as i thought we were all doomed..time seemed to stop and a bright warm orange light embraced me. there was a symbol amidst that light...i think it signified fire..there was some voice telling me to grab it...and i knew that this was it. this was our means to escape. i reached my hand towards it and i was engulfed with flames of power. hahahaha i then unleashed some a powerful fire spell and managed to melt da ice. but it wasnt enough. apparently that spell took a lot outta me too. i used da remaining of my strength to swim away...but i began to lose consciousness...

man my dream is long..im not done yet..lolol...this dream was so darn vivid la....continuing....when i regained consciousness...i realised that it hadnt be long since i passed out...and some weird horse/dwarf like creature was carrying me...and another classmate...it was da girl who sat next to me...oh i forgot to mention that i am a boy in this dream...lololol...male..creature something...still looked human..but like a miniature animated one..da horse/dwarf like creature carried us to a hidden cave in one of da rocky structures...there we met a creature who was of da same species as i....when he was taking care of my wounds...he saw da symbol on my right hand that i usually hide with a glove...he was surprised but he didnt say anything and i was still too out of it to be coherent....fire elemental power wasnt my original power....my power lain in ice...and it was one of da highest leveled ones....i hid it because i didnt want people to make a deal outta it since i was just a mere kid....in our village..when we reached a certain age..we would conduct ceremonies to determine what kind of power we had and make pacts with creatures...da same bright light thing would happen...somehow a creature's voice would speak to us...but for kids our age never a powerful one.....when i regained consciousness again..my classmate was already awake...and that same specie guy was discussing a counterattack? apparently their kingdom is ruled by an extremely powerful king...and he kidnaps magical beings for his own uses....now they are rapid searching for da kids that escaped...and are closing in on our hideout..so da plan was to use da fire power that i demostrated before to lure them elsewhere...before running away...we went out to one of da rock structures...and i began to attack it with fire shots....was kinda weak since fire wasnt really my element...as we were about to run away...we were suddenly overwhelmed with magic attacks...we had no clue that da army were this close...we were about to be hit by flaming hot meteor rocks when edison da asshole called me...omg............i woke up. im gonna kill youuuuuuuuuuuuu! anyway da way magic works in this world is kinda up to one's own imagination. as long as it's your element. and you have a pact with a creature of that element. how you want to use it is up to you. no need for wands or chants. it can be something physical or telekinetic. but da amount of magic power you have varies with one's own potential and your creature's potential...

wahh..i still feel really numb..like i have yet to awaken. i kinda had another dream before this one..but that was kinda sad..it was about me being lost in parallel worlds...unable to return to my nakama. i was transported to 10 years ahead of my original time and there was some kind of war going on that my nakama were fighting. however da me that was fighting with them was a me from another world. not da useless me. they made me escape to my original time but it screwed up and i got sent to another parallel world...my friends were da same friends yet different. they had no recollections of da time we spent together. i figured that this was how my other self was with my real nakama fighting da future war instead of me..blah blah. so sad. there was no ending to this dream too. i was still lost in worlds.

im still lost in worlds right now. hahahahaha. ahhhh.....

fly me to da moon...

im tired and sick so why cant i sleep? been sleepless for a few nights already. suckss. havent had a decent dream in a while either. been so distorted lately. ughh. wang yuja's concert is approaching though...cant wait! haha..there's a strange feeling of dread in me though. like my mind's preempting itself for da blow that would chill me right to da bones. i know when i hear her performance i will be totally degraded. i still wanna listen to her play though. masochist much? hahahaha you know people seem to be getting dumber by da era. really ya know like they act as if they know every single fucking thing? all high and mighty and arrogant...and then they say stupid things like how people superstar and all and cannot compare. i seriously dont get it. attitude and words contradict totally. so why are you a nobody acting all high and mighty then? cos you are comparing yourself to da people around you right? and through your own judgement you deem yourself better than others. socially retarded. seriously...everyone has da innate ability to become someone. it's just a lot of people dont pull through cos they dont want it hard enough. da people you see out there..wanted it and pulled through..yea a lot of it depends on luck opportunity too. but im just saying...just pisses me of when people say cannot compare and all...cos all these people started from nobodies too. ughh really tired...sometimes i think...maybe it would be better if i broke once and for all...maybe i'd be able to give up then...hahaha yeap yeap..totally masochistic...im an m...a madao...hahahahahahahaha if i could restart my life....hahaha i should draw up my lifeline...lol

0 years....birth....maybe get a tailed beast sealed in me...lol...

1 years.....first word....piano.....or maybe unko....hahaha...

2 years......fly first then walk....

3 years......get lost in forest.....raised by tiger.....

4 years....learned to roar.....

5 years.....wandered into abandoned house.....found a piano....

6 years....tiger starts to teach me english...and da art of hunting....

7 years.....got enrolled in elementary school at da edge of forest....

8 years.....made friends with a forest sprite.....

9 years.....got bullied by my classmates cos i was different.....

10 years.....fox demon stole my undies....

11 years....school talent show.....i spoke english.....

12 years.....triumphed over fox demon.....beat him at forest math....

13 years.....joined da sprites ensemble.....

14 years.....

kinda got lost in my own day dream......funny how i stopped at 13......wouldnt mind life being a standstill if it was like that....haha sorry...maybe i'll continue my lifeline later.....thinking about it makes me sad....

delirious with fever.

im going crazy..hahaha i hope i end up demented so i can laugh da rest of my life away. i just want everything to go away and disappear right now. anyway...wary that i would succumb to this madness...i decided to watch dramas and what not...and i just finished watching 'you're beautiful'...and i've learnt two things. no even if i distract myself and suppress it..it's not gonna go away. well i knew that long ago..but it's my way of dealing. and second? i have a ponytail fetish hahaha! i like guys who can pull off ponytails...of course not da long kind ehhhh

kyaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!! lololol

i loveeeeeeee how he can look good fierce and all smileyyy

hotness lol

KYAAAAAAAA!! how cuteee!

hee hee

one last sizzling hot pic to go~~~

hahahaha hahaha ahahahahaha lolol wahahaha hehehehe buahahahaha rofl HAHAHA

hate.

sorry i changed da password for this post....just very personal and angsty..but if you really wanna read it..it's da meaning of my name.

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are you gonna bury my castle?

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私の尊敬する人々

久しぶりに日本語で書きなかったね。突然思い出して、随分前にこのリストもう考えたけど、アップするのは忘れた。半分は架空の人物何ですけど（＞ｍ＜）

じゃ、本当に存在した人からね。。

Chopin
one of da masters of romanticism in music.. 
 

Yoshiki
composer and leader of Xjapan...amazing drummer and pianist...one of da only hard rock bands with classical influences...

Tuomas Holapainen
 leader of symphonic metal band nightwish....simply amazing compositions...doesnt he look like johnny depp? 

 

Nobuo Uematsu
god of game music....composer of final fantasy music...founder of black mages...who play rock versions of ff music...

 

Alan Menken
 remember all da disney fairytales...? all da bgm and theme songs were composed by him...even da recent film enchanted too...

 

Monkey D. Luffy
 goofy fearless captain of straw hat pirates...determination and will like no other...

Uchiha Itachi
 sacrificial lamb of konoha...one of da most powerful ninjas...known for his boundless sacrifice for his little bro...

 

Uzumaki Naruto
annoying loudmouth...endless optimism despite housing a monster and facing crap from people....believes in good even in da worst of people...

まー。。まだたくさんいるだが、この八人はリストに一番高いね。動植物を守る人たちも、妖精たちと神話上の生き物も、音楽に情熱人も、ravel debussy schubert beethovenも。。リスト長いね。

good morning world

lol guess who cant sleep again? well i slept for about 2 hours. been listening to music..im listening to ff13's soundtrack..it's really good...uematsu..or hamauzu...i guess i still prefer uematsu..im glad hamauzu still stuck to da general ff themes..though you can hear da differences in styles in some songs...i would say that uematsu's music is less forgettable...still it's great nonetheless...

sometimes i feel really irritated with myself...when i hear these kinda hair-raising..makes me have goosebumps songs...lol...i just feel like a piece of shit. so fucking lousy..sigh boss told me it's never gonna be enough though. as a musician you always aim to perfect your own music..but it's never going to be. you'd just continue to better yourself..until you reach your limits. it's really amazing...how music can reach out to people...how it can touch people's hearts...i wanna do that. i find that it's fucking stupid how da greatest artists right now are people who produce clubbing music. it's not that i cant appreciate it...it causes a sense of high and people are able lose themselves in da song....clubbing music just reaches out to people in a senseless and artificial way i suppose. just like drugs or alcohol.

karu likes ff13 music too..he's next to da lappy falling asleep to it. lolol

i wanna hug luffy.

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im so heartbroken. it's all Oda Eiichiro's fault hmpf.

password please?

i've create two new labels Of Thy Yonder Dreams and The Black Beast of Faerie Moon..

da foremost are posts about my dreams and nightmares...and da latter is about my trials and tribulations on my journey to faerie moon....yea just an expression for my music and greater dreams...most of it would be password protected....i'll pass some of you guys da password soon...or if you can figure out da password that's great lolol..initially i wanted to name it la bête noir de fée de lune...which means da same but in french..but like too complicated lol..oh wells..im off to password protect my posts now...omg..i have a lot to do.